The permanent fiancée

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down to get my nails done.The manicurist, in her early 20s, asked me to take off my diamond ring."Nice ring," she commented. "So when is the wedding?"
Funny how such a simple question makes my head spin.

I have been together with my guy for eight years, engaged for four. We have a three-year-old daughter.
We have no plans to get married.
I'm not like actors Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend, who have been together for years, and say they won't marry until it's legal for gays to marry across the United States, which could take awhile.
In the meantime, she's got a diamond.
I'm not like Angelina Jolie, who says she and Brad Pitt have no plans to marry because they are "extremely committed to the children and as parents and to have a ceremony on top of it is nothing." Pitt, however, does wear a "commitment ring."
I'm certainly not like Goldie Hawn, together with Kurt Russell for more than 20 years, who once was quoted saying she wouldn't tie the knot because "marriage is ridiculous . . . what are you investing in? Concepts. But concepts are broken with the snap of a finger."
I don't think marriage is ridiculous. I love attending weddings. I'm not waiting for the legalization of marriage for everyone. Here's the unromantic truth: I shrug my shoulders at marriage. It's one big "whatever."
For a growing number of men and women, including actors Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger, marriage is also becoming a shoulder shrug.
Retailers, apparently sensing an opportunity, now offer commitment rings for those in between "I do" and "I don't."
Commitment rings tend to be more wedding-bandish than the simple princess-cut solitaire diamond engagement rings. According to Toronto custom jewellery designer Alexandra Schleicher, they are more ornate, with multiple gemstones.
"People want something special that relates to their relationship, which doesn't necessarily mean an engagement ring," Schleicher says. She has customers who buy rings for their partners who never utter the words "engagement" or "marriage."
"And they'll already have a house together and children," she says.
In Canada, the number of common-law relationships has nearly tripled since 1981, the first time it was tallied. Then, there were 357,000 common-law relationships. By the 2001 census, roughly 14 per cent of all couples were common-law. Common-law unions are most prevalent in Quebec, where more than 30 per cent of partners are not married.
When Alexandre Trudeau had baby Pierre in December with his live-in partner, Zoe Bedos, the national press had a hard time describing their relationship. Writers referred to Bedos as Trudeau's "partner," "spouse" and even "wife." Although they have said they do plan on getting married, they didn't consider it necessary before having their first child.
Amy Johnston, 36, an artist who lives in Toronto, has never been married. Neither has her live-in boyfriend of three years, who introduces her as his "life partner."
"When I think about the things that I'm worried about in a relationship, like will he stay interested in me and will I stay interested in him, well, marriage won't change that," Johnston says. "It doesn't protect you from all of that.
"And," she adds, "not being married is not going to stop us from having kids."
But she does wonder if having a ring would make things easier. "In the second year of our relationship, everyone was asking us when we were going to get engaged or married but then it kind of peters off and people assume you are married. It's amazing how many people ask. It just makes you wonder why people are so interested."
Schleicher asks male clients whether they are sure they know what buying a commitment band means -- basically that it means a commitment.
"I ask them if they're planning to propose and they say, 'No. It's not a proposal. I just want them to know that they are committed to me and that I'm committed to them.' "
"Women may not feel eager to get married, but many do still feel the need for commitment," says Toronto journalist Anne Kingston, the author of The Meaning of Wife.
"My observation is that the commitment value is the same with common-law and marriage," she says. "But there's a comfort level with common-law, that you're not getting ensnared with the complications of marriage. Women no longer need that second level like sealing the deal."
It should be noted that for those with less than celebrity-sized incomes, common-law unions can leave them without some legal protections in the event of a breakup. "Most people don't understand their rights when it comes to common-law," Toronto lawyer Phillip Epstein says.
In most provinces, one is entitled to spousal support, but not a share of property. In Quebec, common-law arrangements do not entail subsequent spousal support or property rights (child support is required, however). That's why Epstein suggests couples in common-law relationships get a cohabitation agreement as they approach their third anniversary.
Sally Healy, 38, an interior designer, has been with her partner for eight years. She has been married once before, and has a son. Her partner has never been married. "He has never asked me," she says with a laugh.
"I don't doubt his commitment to me at all. I don't doubt his affection. I'm not offended at all that he's never asked," she says. Not only that, but they have "never, ever discussed" getting married.
But for Christmas, she received a "beautiful ring" from him. "The card read, 'To my wife,' " Healy says.
Why are strond, independent non-wives wearing non-wedding rings? Perhaps the relentlessness of old-fashioned conservatism makes it easier to blend in, sort of. Or just that we haven't quite figured out anything better yet.
"Wife is not a role women want to see themselves as nowadays," Kingston says. "Unfortunately, we haven't redefined what a wife is."
So, what do I call myself? The fiancée, of course.